Do One Thing Every day That Scares You

Dear Friends,

"Do one thing every day that scares you."~Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt is one of my favorite female figures of all time--she was a strong woman, she was brilliant, she refused to let her husband's infidelity run or ruin her life, and she spoke eloquently and beautifully. In addition to the quote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," which is attributed to Eleanor, the above quote by her is one of my favorites. Do one thing every day that scares you. This is a reality I am living quite literally. 

If you have been keeping up on my blog posts, you know I am home from Notre Dame on medical leave for this semester. I briefly explained why, but I would like to elaborate on my situation. At the end of freshman year of high school, when I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had been experiencing high levels of anxiety and constant intrusive thoughts that interfered with my ability to function. Anxiety disorders are not uncommon in my extended family, and my parents knew what steps to take when I came to them, sobbing in the middle of the night. After seeing a variety of doctors, I began taking medicine for the anxiety and, overall, things stabilized. The remainder of high school was relatively anxiety free (disordered anxiety anyways! :D). I saw a psychologist for a little while, but the medicine worked so quickly that I did not develop any lasting tools and skills in therapy. Then came college, Notre Dame, and a downward spiral into anxiety, panic, and OCD.

I will always describe my first year at Notre Dame as one of the most amazing years of my life. I met some of the most beautiful people in the world. I began to live my lifelong dream. I took the most difficult and wonderful classes I had ever experienced. I grew in my faith. I was in Heaven on Earth. But it was not perfect. I had a difficult time transitioning to school. I was homesick. I tried out for the famous Marching Band of the Fighting Irish, made it, hated it, and quit. I had new faces and new foods to adapt to. It was not as easy and simple as I expected college to be. In light of all of these changes, my anxiety and OCD spiked to very high levels. Times of change and great stress are apt to aggravate most mental disorders. I was no exception. After about two months, I was settled in to school, I felt comfortable at my new home, and the constant anxiety and OCD had diminished. However, much of the year was peppered with what I call "spikes," times when the OCD is more prevalent and bothersome. I saw a psychologist throughout the year through Notre Dame's incredible counseling center and made a good deal of progress. I realized that OCD was not something that would magically disappear with medication, like it seemed to do in high school. I knew I needed to engage my disorder and learn how to live with it.

I could go on and on about the ups and downs, the peaks and troughs, the triumphs and struggles of my battle with OCD and anxiety. There are days I seriously consider writing a book about my story. Perhaps I will. To save time and space in this already lengthy blog post, I will skip ahead to this year. After a wonderful, busy summer, I was jumping for joy to return to the place and people I missed so much. I moved in, said goodbye to my family with only a few tears, and began the busy rush of school. After three wonderful days, I had my first panic attack. I do not remember what happened to cause it (usually nothing), but after the first one, I had six or seven panic attacks each day. My OCD flared up to the highest levels I had ever experienced. It was a struggle to get through the day, an hour, ten minutes. After two long weeks, many trips to the counseling center, a hospital stay to change medication, and many tears, the panic attacks subsided, but I fell into a deep reactive depression. I had gone from being on overdrive 24/7 to limp, lifeless, and lethargic. Eventually, my family and I, in tandem with my dorm rector and various Notre Dame personnel, decided to take a medical leave of absence for this semester in order to assess the situation and receive the proper treatment. I was terrified during those three weeks. First, I was terrified I would have to leave Notre Dame. Then, I had to make the decision to do what scared me the most. After coming home, it was time to begin a whole new journey of facing my fears.

I am now participating in an intensive outpatient therapy program for OCD, which has been the common thread throughout this struggle. The focal point of therapy is what is known as "Exposure and Response Prevention." This brings me to the crux of this blog post. Exposure is essentially doing exactly what Eleanor Roosevelt suggests in her aforementioned quote: Do one thing every day that scares you. OCD has two components. The first is an obsession, which is an intrusive thought that comes into your mind. Examples of common obsessions include the well-known contamination fears (Monk anyone?), violent obsessions, scrupulosity, sexual obsessions, and many, many more. The second is a compulsion, which is a reaction to the obsession. This is what OCD truly is; when you experience an upsetting, intrusive thought, people with OCD respond with a compulsion that temporarily neutralizes the anxiety caused by the thought. However, it is a vicious cycle that feeds upon itself to strengthen the OCD and weaken its prey. Exposure and Response Prevention combats this by literally exposing oneself to the feared environment or subject. For example, if you fear spiders, an example of Exposure would be first sitting in a room with a spider in a cage, then sitting next to the cage, then opening the cage, then holding the spider. Eleanor Roosevelt hit the nail on the head: to overcome our fears, we must face them head on. I am currently engaged in a number of exposures that are becoming increasingly intense and difficult. Exposure is not fun. If it was fun, OCD would not be a concern! It is terrifying to deliberately terrify myself, but I know the end result is worth it. I cannot wait for the day when I can say I have learned to cope with OCD. 

I intend to do additional blog posts about my struggles with OCD and anxiety for two reasons. First, I hope that I can help educate others about the complicated nature of mental disorders and OCD. Second, I pray that others with mental disorders know it is not something to hide or be ashamed of. It is no different than any "physical" ailment, such as a broken bone, mono, or cancer. Mental disorders are treatable. It often involves taking a big step. It involves doing the things that scare us to death. It involves taking a huge leap of faith. 

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Words Truly,

Maggie