It has been a while since I touched my OCD Blog Series and I figured it was time to get back on the wagon and hash out this third part. Part three of this series will be about how OCD has affected my life and the lives of those around me, both positively and negatively, in the past, present, and future.
Let me start with the most recent and obvious effects of my struggles with OCD. One of my favorite songs right now is "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. Take a listen here:
The opening lyrics read as follows: "So this is what you mean when you said that you were spent. And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top. Don't hold back. Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check." The first time I heard this song, I couldn't help but laugh and relate it to my life. I'm not one of those girls who says every Taylor Swift song is about her life or whoever the popular lyric-relater is these days, but I had to draw the comparison here. OCD literally led me to pack my bags and give my academy a rain check. As I have stated in a few of my blog posts, I essentially had a breakdown when I returned to Notre Dame as a result of my OCD. The most immediate, recent, and painful of OCD's wide-reaching affects has been the fact that I have had to leave my beloved Notre Dame, albeit temporarily, in order to learn how to overcome and live with OCD.
OCD made times of my life abnormal, difficult, or uncomfortable as a result of the symptoms. I would not say that OCD made my life Hell, but it certainly made times of it feel Hellish. I was constantly on guard, trying to avoid anything that would spike the intrusive thoughts and accompanying anxiety. I struggled to focus on even simple tasks, such as doing homework or spending time with friends. I often collapsed in tears after an exhausting day of trying to hold myself together. OCD made the simplest things a struggle.
OCD has not only affected me, but those closest to me. My amazing parents and siblings have really carried me through this trying time. However, I know it took its toll on them. During my last night at Notre Dame, I called my parents crying while they were at a wedding. My mom, who I have seen cry maybe three times in my life, broke down into tears, as did my Grandma. They were paining with me. As we drove away from Notre Dame the next day, there was not a dry eye in the car. My dad, a brilliant fellow who always tries to find a reason for everything, initially blamed himself for my struggles. He kept questioning what caused my OCD... "Maybe it was the fact that I didn't always let you win as a child or my genetics or the way I raised you that caused this..." I know I scared my beautiful friends too, who could not have been more amazing throughout this entire experience. They continue to be amazing, asking how I am, rescuing me when I get cabin fever from being home, and being true companions. As far as personal relationships go, OCD put pressure on them, but that pressure stemmed from love, and that is a far greater thing than any negative OCD could create in my life.
OCD has brought about many positive effects as well. It has strengthened my faith incredibly. I have felt that barren emptiness in my soul where there was nothing left but room for God to bring me back to life. I was mad at God for a while, and sometimes still question His plan, but I have begun to grasp what the word 'trust' really means. Whether I like it or not, OCD influences my study habits and organizational habits. I would not say OCD is the cause of my success in school or the reason I like organizing things, but I cannot pretend that it hasn't played a role in either of these things. Finally, I believe the most important thing OCD has revealed to me is my pride. When I was struggling with OCD, I thought I could deal with it on my own. I had a hard time accepting what I learned in therapy, because I believed I shouldn't need anything but my own willpower to overcome OCD. I knew that was irrational--it was my pride talking. C.S. Lewis calls "pride" the greatest of all sins, saying "It was through Pride that the devil became the devil. Pride leads to every other vice; it is the complete anti-God state of mind. As long as you are proud, you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people, and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you." Wow, C.S. Lewis, you rock my world! Pride was keeping me from true healing, both mentally and spiritually. I am by no means your perfect slice of humble pie now, but I have recognized my pride, and I am working on it.
OCD is kind of like an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend; you kind of hate them, but you can't deny they taught you something.
Words Truly,
Maggie
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