Kids Say the Darndest Things...

Dear Friends,

I love kids. About half of my friends agree with me and half of my friends think I'm crazy. I am considering pursuing pediatrics in my medical career because I love working with kids so much. I believe children embody pure, unadulterated joy that they share freely with the world through their smiles, laughter, and songs.

Since being home, I have had a wonderful, unique opportunity to work with a great group of kids preparing a Christmas concert. My younger brother's school does not have a music teacher and they elected to do a Christmas concert for the first time this year. As fate/luck/God would have it, my mom found out that they were in need of someone to organize the concert. She lovingly volunteered me. However, I am incredibly glad that she did--it has been a truly blessed, fun experience.

For the past two months, I have worked with each grade level one-on-one each week preparing a few songs to perform at the concert. The Christmas concert is tonight and everyone is both very excited and a little bit nervous! Throughout my experience, I learned a lot and witnessed more than a few hilarious encounters with the students. I thought I would share a few of these with you today...

I loved visiting school on Mondays to work with the Kindergarten students--they always greeted me with a chorus of "Hi Miss Maggie," "Hi Miss Maggie," "Hi Miss Maggie," over and over again until I set the keyboard up and was able to quiet them down. The end of class was marked with a chorus of "Bye Miss Maggie," and "Have a great weekend," even though it was only Monday. Such joy!

After a few weeks, I learned not to call on every student who raised their hands. While singing "Happy Birthday Jesus," I had four or five preschoolers tell me their birthday was on Christmas, too. Their teacher quickly reprimanded them all, whose birthdays were not on Christmas. Too cute. While teaching "Frosty the Snowman" to the Pre-School, I asked what Frosty's eyes were made out of. A few students yelled out "Coal!" I called on one little guy, who had raised his hand. He proceeded to tell me that Frosty's eyes were made out of explosives and demonstrated what happened to Frosty's head when these explosives were detonated. Kids say the darndest things...

My favorite memory also occurred with the Pre-School students. As we stood up to sing "Jingle Bells," one of the little gents tapped a girl on the shoulder and said, "Can I hold hands with you?" He began to reach for her hand. She responded, "NO!" and turned away. While my heart broke for the boy, I also thought to myself, "You go girl!"

I hope the students know how much joy they have given me with their goofy comments, giggles, attentiveness, hard work, and simple love of music. It has been a real pleasure.

Words Truly,

Maggie

OCD: You're Afraid of What?? (Part 2 of a 5 part series)

Dear Friends,

The past few days, a variety of amusing jokes related to OCD and GAD have appeared out of the blue while watching my favorite TV shows. Last week, I watched an episode of "Bones," my dramatic guilty pleasure, in which the team was investigating the death of a comedian. They were reviewing footage of his stand-up routines and the following joke appeared: "What is with everyone being diagnosed with GAD? It's called life!" My Mom and I looked at each other and burst out laughing at the appropriateness of the joke. Additionally, my family and I watch a healthy amount of "The Big Bang Theory" every night, and I recently viewed an episode with the following scene: 

Sheldon Cooper is the lovable, neurotic genius of "The Big Bang Theory," played by the brilliant Jim Parsons. He demonstrates many symptoms of OCD throughout the show, including his ritualistic triple knocking, fear of germs, and fear of driving. Today, I would like to give you a detailed look into my specific obsessions and the compulsions that follow.

In hindsight, I have dealt with OCD for much of my life. However, it never involved the debilitating factor that makes OCD a true illness. My experience with OCD first became debilitating at the end of freshman year of high school. I do not remember "Day 1" of my obsessing, nor do I recall what spawned the first thought. I began to have constant intrusive thoughts asking the same question: "What if I am gay?" Now, before I launch into what promises to be a long, but informative description, let me say: These fears have nothing to do with "homophobia" or my personal views on homosexuality. I do not believe homosexuality is a sin and I believe human sexuality has a genetic foundation that develops with age and environmental exposure. That being said, the thought that I could possibly be gay terrified me. There was absolutely no real evidence to suggest that I was attracted to women. I would toss and turn in my bed, wide awake, as thoughts raced through my head at an incalculable speed. "You're gay. Just accept it. You're in denial. You like girls. Why won't you just admit it? You're gay. You're gay. You're gay." Keep in mind that, although these thoughts are spoken as if there is a separate "voice" in my head, these thoughts were my own. OCD is not like schizophrenia, where one hears voices that are not their own. These thoughts were nearly ever-present and if they did take a break from torturing me, they would begin the moment I realized my mind had quieted. This was a very special kind of Hell to live through. At first, I had no idea what was wrong with me. The fact that I was having these thoughts must mean either A. It was true or B. I had a problem.

After a few weeks of this, I ran to my parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, saying I was going to be sick. I never did throw up--now, I believe this was my way of showing my parents something was wrong and opening that door to talk to them about it. The next day, my Mom kept me home from school and, breaking down into gut-wrenching tears, I explained to her what I had been experiencing. With sympathetic eyes and a knowing look, she explained that I was experiencing serious anxiety and we would set up a doctor's appointment immediately. This was a breakdown my Mom has experienced too many times in her life. Anxiety and OCD run in our family, both immediate and extended. My Dad was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. His mother bears the same diagnosis. My dear uncle battles schizophrenia and depression, and we see signs of anxiety and OCD in some family members. Help was on the way.

So what exactly was I experiencing? I did not learn that I had OCD for a few years. When I explained my thoughts to my doctors, I did not elaborate on the specifics of the thoughts. I said I had "racing thoughts that caused me anxiety" and I was experiencing "irrational, intrusive thoughts about various topics." I never told them I was having thoughts that I could be gay. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which I definitely have) and began taking Zoloft and, after about two months, I felt back to normal. The thoughts spiked up maybe two or three times a year, but overall, I felt "cured." One day during a "spike" (a time when the intrusive thoughts occupy my mind for 50% of the day or more), I finally worked up the courage to Google the phrase "Anxiety Disorder Fear of Being Gay." I was shocked at what I found: a plethora of websites talking about "HOCD" and "Pure-O." I had stumbled upon a personal goldmine. I finally realized that I had OCD. I could put a real name to my personal demon. 

So what on Earth is HOCD? HOCD stands for "Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder." Here is an excellent description of HOCD from Dr. Steven Seay, Ph.D.

"Straight individuals with homosexual OCD experience obsessive fears about the possibility of being gay. Their HOCD obsessions often consist of unwanted thoughts, impulses, or images that uncontrollably pop into consciousness. To reduce the anxiety brought on by their obsessions, individuals with HOCD engage in a variety of rituals that focus on “proving their true sexuality” or reducing their perceived “vulnerability” to becoming gay. Sexual obsessions can also affect gay men, lesbians, or bisexual individuals with OCD, who may become fearful about the possibility of becoming straight (“Straight OCD”). The common element that unites these seemingly opposite sexual obsessions is the fear of being attracted to something unwanted, taboo, or “unacceptable” based on one’s particular worldview."

Each form of OCD is made up of two obvious parts: an obsession and a compulsion. OCD is a circular disorder: the sufferer experiences a thought that they latch on to and cannot shake. This thought causes a great deal of anxiety. In order to combat the anxiety temporarily, the sufferer engages in a compulsion. The compulsion temporarily quells the anxiety. However, it always begins again. The obsession of HOCD is two-fold. First, the sufferer fears that he or she is gay and cannot admit it. Second, the sufferer fears they will never know for certain what their sexual orientation is. The compulsions of HOCD make it difficult to recognize that what the sufferer is experiencing is indeed OCD. Most of the compulsions associated with HOCD are mental and cannot be seen. Here is a list of HOCD compulsions I have personally engaged in (this is by no means exhaustive!):

HOCD Rituals & Compulsions (Behavioral)

• Checking one’s own body for physical signs of arousal (can also be a mental ritual).
• Avoiding the topic of homosexuality
• Arguing with the obsessive thoughts
• Checking that one is attracted to the opposite sex
• Asking other people for reassurance about your sexuality.
• Avoiding gay men, lesbians, and bisexual people.
• Avoiding physical contact with same sex individuals (handshaking, hugs).
• Avoiding being alone with same sex individuals.
• Avoiding conversations with same sex individuals.
• Avoiding attractive same sex individuals or pictures/movies featuring attractive same sex individuals.
• Avoiding music by gay individuals or movies featuring gay actors or characters.
• Avoiding eye contact with same sex individuals.
• When in public, trying to avoid looking at the groin, backside, or chest areas of same sex individuals.
• Avoiding TV shows with gay characters or gay themes.

These thoughts can be triggered by most of the aforementioned topics: books, movies, and TV shows with homosexual characters and plot lines, discussing homosexuality, physical contact with members of the same sex, such as hugging and shaking hands, and simply seeing or interacting with a member of the same sex. 

Crazy stuff, right? I hope this opens your eyes to some of the more "nitty-gritty" details about OCD and about the specific form of OCD that was the most debilitating for me personally. I have read so many stories about people who are absolutely tormented by this form of OCD. In some cases, it leads people to get divorces and end relationships because they think the only way to get rid of the anxiety and pain is to accept the thoughts as true and live them out. 

I have lived through the Hell that is OCD. I do not want anyone else to suffer in silence. I do not want others to spend hours and hours ruminating and obsessing over something that can be treated! I do not want others to ruin their lives because they do not know what it is they are experiencing. I hope this post has informed you. Share it with others. People need to learn about OCD and take care of each other. If you have ANY questions whatsoever, leave me a comment or shoot me an email (mskoch10@gmail.com). I am more than happy to answer any questions you have and to tell more of my story. God Bless You All.

Words Truly,

Maggie

Words Truly Rafflecopter Giveaway!

Dear Friends,

Yahoo! I am having my first ever Rafflecopter Giveaway, right here on my Words Truly blog! The lucky winner gets to choose one glass dome pendant from my Etsy shop, Words Truly! There are 16 possible entries, and you can come back for more entries each day for a whole week! Share, share, share!

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May the odds be ever in your favor.

Words Truly,

Maggie